Struggling Well With Life

I talked to my dad for a few minutes this week. The conversations never last long, but I am always left encouraged, even challenged. When he was my age he was a lot more serious, and intense. Why wouldn’t he be? He was working his tail off around the clock to provide for a quiver full of boys, some at home, some off to college. I often get my dad’s look on my face - that my girls call - “Mr. Stern-Face”. But my old man learned to lighten up. Sure, his circumstances have changed, but these years have had some hard things to carry too. This month will mark four years of living without the love of his life. He is not the man I knew, but has become full of life and joy for each and every day. I want to be him now, not when I am in a retirement center. That quick call challenged me - hearing his pursuit of others and life encourages me to go there. He is still fathering this almost 50 year old boy.

I am getting ready to head home for the day.  I woke up this morning, spent some time in the Word, prayed, then put the armor on for the day.  And ll day I have been battling.  Battling to stay aligned, to remind myself of God’s presence, to say the hard things I know I have to say, to do what I am supposed to do.  I did, and rather than victory -  I feel done in.  And it dosen’t feel good.  Mama said there would be days like this.

Growing up outside of Atlantic City, NJ where the Miss America Pageant was held I heard my fair share of contenders for that title wish for “world peace”. They were just too easy, and too much fun to mock! I am not convinced those women knew much about the world outside their own reality. And yet this year that is the sentiment that has lingered beneath the surface for me. Forget world peace, I am wishing for it to be local, a little closer to home. I wish for every child in our church to grow up in a home where they know how deeply they are loved, by parents who love them and each other. I wish for marriages to find the way through. I wish for men to be men, and provide for their families in ways that far surpass the physical needs. I wish for the statistics to be different for us as believers. My wish seems as far fetched as those beauty contestants. I am mad, mad that so many are falling around us. It is hard to follow Christ, to be obedient, to remain in the tension of the relationships we have committed to. Every day is a battle - to not only do right, but be right - be right with God, and others. I haven’t mastered it, but it steams me to witness the devastation of lives in the wake of someone who gives up and goes after “what makes me happy”. I wish that the peace of Christ would rule, like never before, in the hearts and homes of this community of believers.

We were out with good friends the other night. It was a great evening. Really good food. Conversation the dipped beneath the surface. It was a gift of a night in a month that has brought little rest, and limited peace. While heading home with a grateful heart for a festive mood and moving through an intersection, another car came literally barreling through a red light at a decent speed. 1-2 seconds tops, was all that separated us from having Christmas with Jesus, face to face. I woke up several times that night shaken up a bit. Just another reminder that God is in complete control of the universe, and my world inside that universe. Don’t get me wrong - I am ready for Glory, in fact long for it more and more. And I am also ready and thrilled to celebrate another Christmas here with the three women in my world.